Why can I only win a race when playing as Bowser? I don’t even like Bowser.

Ian-in-Japan said, “…” Okay, actually I can’t remember exactly what he said, so forget about quotation marks. It was something along the lines of: Now go play Mario Kart and write about what happens because “I would read that.” That last part was an exact quote, and I am holding him to it.

Regretfully, I have no experience in sports-commentator-ing. If I did, I am sure I could make these video game races sound INTENSE! even when they weren’t really. Mostly I just ran into the wall.

The end of the race was much like the start.

Luigi Circuit

• Forget which button accelerates.
• Reverse into cluster of pink and yellow flowers.
• Knock into large metal pipe.
• Acquire lightning bolt.
• Press button to release lightning bolt. Reverse camera angle instead.
• Discover that by rotating steering wheel 180 degrees, the kart will steer in the expected directions. Feel considerably less confused.
• Release lightning bolt.
• Acquire three speed-burst mushrooms.
• Use speed-burst mushrooms.
• Which is weird, when you think about it, because Toad is a mushroom.
• [just realized Toad is Toad  because he’s a a toadstool.]
• [just realized toadstools are toadstools because they seem like something a toad could sit on.]
• Complete first lap.
• Slip on banana peel. Spin wildly out of control.
• Spin into question box (the good kind).
• Acquire & use golden mushroom.
• Catch sight of opponents.
• Smash into Yoshi and send him spinning wildly out of control.
• Slip on banana peel at same time Baby Mario also slips on nearby banana peel. Spin wildly out of control and into Baby Mario.
• Observe nuclear explosion in the not-so-distant distance.
• Complete second lap.
• Knocked into question box (the good kind) and acquire golden mushroom.
• Use golden mushroom.
• Speed past several opponents, but remain in twelfth place.
• Flatten Baby Peach, but remain in twelfth place.
• Complete final lap. In twelfth place.

Moo Moo Meadows

• Zoom into fourth place, leap over ramp and smash Baby Mario
• Distracted by nearby explosion and also by squirting ink from Hovering Octopus Thingy.
• Twelfth place.
• Knock Yoshi aside.
• Eleventh place.
• Accidentally reverse.
• Twelfth place.
• Invincible.
• Invincible.
• Seventh place.
• Invincible.
• FIRST PLACE.
• Hit by green turtle shell. Vow revenge on Luigi.
• Release green turtle shell. Fail to hit Luigi.
• Regain first place as finish line approaches.
• Delayed by emergence of Mole-like Creature from the ground.
• Complete race in second place.

Mushroom Gorge

• Quickly glide into first place and effortlessly bounce across Large Bouncy Mushroom. Deposit banana peel.
• Neatly avoid green shell and effortlessly bounce across three Large Bouncy Mushrooms. Deposit banana peel.
• Accidentally reverse.
• Overtaken by Luigi.
• Hit by question box (the bad kind) but recover in time to effortlessly bounce across series of Large Bouncy Mushrooms.
• Hit by spinning green shell at same time that Luigi is hit by flying blue shell.
• Luigi explodes.
• Passed by Princess Peach and Someone Else.
• Shock of falling into fourth place results in kart veering into passing Kupa.
• Spin wildly out of control.
• Complete first lap.
• Spin wildly out of control, along with Luigi and Wario.
• Acquire speed-burst mushroom. Speedily run into banana peel.
• Am somehow in first place.
• Neatly bounce across Large Bouncy Mushrooms. Deposit banana peel.
• Complete second lap.
• Vow revenge on Whoever Released Winged Blue Shell.
• Explode.
• Passed by Luigi.
• Regain first place.
• Bounce across Large Bouncy Mushrooms. Deposit banana peel.
• Overtaken by speeding Yoshi, who deposits banana peel.
• Knocked off Large Bouncy Mushroom and into bottomless gorge. Vow revenge on Yoshi.
• Seventh place.
• Knocked off Large Bouncy Mushroom and into bottomless gorge. Vow revenge on Bowser.
• Finish in eighth place.
• Sob.

Toad’s Factory

• With high hopes, zoom into fifth place.
• Narrowly avoid banana peel only to be knocked into banana peel by Princess Peach.
• Take first only to be squirted in face by Hovering Octopus Thingy.
• Veer into bottomless gorge.
• Tenth place.
• Struck by lightning bolt.
• Shrink to size even smaller than pre-existing small size.
• Regain normal small size.
• Acquire three speed-burst mushrooms.
• Eighth place.
• Sixth place.
• Second place.
• Spin wildly out of control for no apparent reason.
• Shrink in size for no apparent reason.
• Slip on banana peel. Careen into empty wooden crate.
• Flatten Princess Peach with assistance from speed-burst mushroom.
• Spin wildly out of control for no apparent reason.
• Sludge through mud.
• Fourth place.
• Slip on banana peel.
• Acquire three green shells.
• Release three green shells.
• Fail to hit anyone.
• Avoid nuclear explosion, arrive in first place.
• Complete race in FIRST PLACE, but it’s not enough to put Toad on the winner’s podium.